ineke.co.uk

The word “by” is so clearly an afterthought here it hurts pic.twitter.com/rWcmyVh03i

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) August 9, 2020

Yeah sure New Zealand has gone 100 days without the Coronavirus but we get 10 quid off a meal at Pizza Hut.

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) August 9, 2020

100 British points to anyone who is absolutely sweating their arse off but will still be cooking a roast lunch today, because it’s a Sunday.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) August 9, 2020

Claiming asylum is a legal route to coming to Britain. https://t.co/6LZGbiB2Tg

— katie spalding (@supermathskid) August 9, 2020

Gutted Mamma Mia deleted their tweet. Thought I was on to a winner. pic.twitter.com/kFGaFKded3

— Mal Hall (@mal_hall) August 8, 2020

I get disproportionately annoyed by this too. Holiday in the U.K is a HOLIDAY.
If you take time off work and stay in your own house doing fun things, going on outings to picnic/museums/visiting friends etc then that’s a STAYCATION FOR THE LOVE OF WHAT IS RIGHT https://t.co/3xydB8t2KY

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) August 9, 2020

People who use the term staycation no doubt also like going counting down in sleeps till they go on holibobs with their gawjus famalam to chillax and have a have totes amazeballs time because it’s like wine o’clock all the time so can legit go for a cray cray cheeky sesh whenevs.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) August 9, 2020

People who are exercising in this heat, how are you doing this?!!

Even when I’m sat doing nothing, my forehead is so sweaty that it’s basically in a permanently liquid state.

WHAT IS YOUR SECRET???

— Tamal Ray (@DrRayBakes) August 9, 2020

“Bakerloo” is short for “Baker Street and Waterloo Railway”. Waterloo Station was named after Waterloo Bridge. Waterloo Bridge was named after the 1815 Battle of Waterloo. Waterloo is a Munucipality in Belgium. Waterloo in Dutch means watery forest/clearing. https://t.co/XIMpGOoLBl

— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) August 10, 2020

‘Are you ok?’ No BBC, they are far too many people on a dinghy using a plastic container to slop out water so it doesn’t capsize. They’re trying not to die. The fact that your instinct isn’t to help your fellow human is the much bigger story. https://t.co/ac6OlZptd7

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) August 10, 2020

Imagine being so desperate you're willing to risk death on a rubber dinghy, seeing a big safe ship pull up alongside you and maybe think they're here to help, only for the ghouls to start narrating you like they're David fucking Attenborough watching some distressed Elk. https://t.co/2fV6TjY6dL

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 11, 2020

It's only been five years since we all collectively said "never again" after seeing the pictures of three-year-old Aylan Kurdi's dead body washed up on a beach. Five years later and people are actually calling for refugees and migrants to drown and die in the Med/Channel. Vile.

— Aleesha 🇵🇸 (@a_leesha1) August 10, 2020

(CW suicide) It is six years since we lost Robin Williams, which changed the way we discuss mental health forever. As someone who has suicidal thoughts most days this quote always helped me. "You don't want to die, you just want to kill how you're feeling right now".

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) August 11, 2020

There are only three countries in the world that haven’t officially adopted the metric system for weights, measures and temperatures: Liberia, Myanmar and the USA.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) August 11, 2020

Woke up to the profound realisation that the feminist who has impacted my life the most, my icon, has always been Pauline Mole, Adrian’s mum.

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) August 11, 2020

I had #COVID19 in March. It was unbelievably awful. Five months later my chest is still tight & I panic when I can’t catch my breath. It’s not over. DON’T catch it or spread it. I’m not usually a nag on social media but I beg you. Continue protecting yourself & those you love.

— Prof Janina Ramirez (@DrJaninaRamirez) August 10, 2020

Ice cream trying to make things better on a hot day. https://t.co/johzMPHMOY

— @mrchrisaddison@dizl.de (@mrchrisaddison) August 11, 2020

Cats: great with housework https://t.co/8v240p5Dlh

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) August 12, 2020

The top layer of the M6 toll road is made from 2.5 million pulped Mills & Boon romance novels which were added to the concrete as a sound absorber.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) August 13, 2020

Prime Minister says today's exam results are "robust" and "dependable"

— Jessica Parker (@MarkerJParker) August 13, 2020

… and by doing so, enrages an entire generation of voters *and* their parents. These are some slick political geniuses.

— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) August 13, 2020

Boris Johnson is right. The A Level results are “robust and dependable”. In the same way our track and trace system is “world-beating” and our Covid response a “massive success”.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) August 13, 2020

Aisha's A Level English has been downgraded to a D, but it's okay as she has unconditional offer for uni because of her poetry portfolio. pic.twitter.com/00t05n96ei

— Kate Clanchy (@KateClanchy1) August 13, 2020

I’ve heard worse Live Lounges https://t.co/n3kFCtDCj4

— Greg James (@gregjames) August 11, 2020

I just don’t understand Christians who refuse to wear a mask because they think God will protect us… but somehow they still need a gun.

— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) August 15, 2020

I hate this pandemic, if I wanted to waste my early 30s I would have gotten married and had kids.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) August 11, 2020

Disappointed to report that I'm still getting funny looks for wearing a face mask in shops pic.twitter.com/igY96WsLPi

— Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) August 8, 2020

Boris Johnson’s attempts to thwart coronavirus:https://t.co/LB9Fdqyjuy

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) August 11, 2020

I've just realised how atrocious all the Christmas adverts are going to be this year.

[Various elderly relatives, all in paper hats, wave at a young family from Zoom screens]

"Because now, more than ever… find what really matters this Christmas."

— Helen (@HRDutson) August 10, 2020

A customer has just bought a 2021 calendar.
Sir, we admire your optimism.

— Waterstones Piccadilly, London (@WaterstonesPicc) August 12, 2020

A guy I worked with suggested that we make a bunch of copies of a blank piece of paper instead of buying more paper. https://t.co/hYlnQ2PsOg

— Michael (@MRudolphComedy) August 20, 2018

My mathematical analysis of So Solid Crew's 21 Seconds. pic.twitter.com/aPUh2QKNNJ

— Harry Baker (@harrybakerpoet) February 14, 2020

Pt 2 💙 pic.twitter.com/jBsYM7qcbP

— Harry Baker (@harrybakerpoet) February 14, 2020